Introduction
"What makes a relationship good and healthy?" is a question as old as time. And who better to answer it than Julie and John Gottman, two world-renowned psychologists and researchers who have dedicated their lives to studying relationships and couples therapy?
They have looked at more than 40,000 couples over a span of 50 years! And the best part? They're married to each other!
Over the course of their work, they have found many things that make a relationship healthy. Here, we focus on 3 main concepts that are easy to understand and a great place to start improving your relationship.
Absence of the 4 Horsemen
The Gottmans identified 4 harmful communication patterns, which they wittily named the 4 Horsemen, after the four horsemen of the apocalypse. These are negative communication patterns that disrupt or escalate conflict. Thankfully, they also offered antidotes - things to do in place of these negative patterns.
Horseman 1: Criticism
Attacking your partner's character and overgeneralising (using words like "always" and "never") rather than talking about the specific behaviour that hurt you.
E.g. "You never listen to me. You're such a bad partner."
Antidote: Gentle start-up. State how you feel and what you need, without blame. Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements.
E.g. "I feel ignored when you're on your phone while I'm talking. Can you please put it down and give me your attention?"
Horseman 2: Defensiveness
Making excuses, counter-attacking, or claiming innocence rather than hearing your partner's concern.
E.g. "It's not my fault you took me the wrong way. I wasn't even mad. You just misunderstood."
Antidote: Taking responsibility. Accept some responsibility in the conflict, even if it's only a small part.
E.g. "I can see how my tone and raised voice would've made you think I was getting mad at you. I'll watch that going forward."
Horseman 3: Contempt
Speaking with superiority — mocking, eye-rolling, name-calling, or sarcasm intended to hurt.
E.g. "Of course you didn't clean up after yourself. You're such a slob!"
Antidote: Gentle start-up, again. State how you feel and what you need, without blame. Use "I" statements rather than "you" statements.
E.g. "When you don't clean up after yourself, I feel pressured to keep the house clean all on my own, and that's frustrating. Can you please contribute to the cleaning?"
Horseman 4: Stonewalling
Shutting down, going silent, or tuning out. This often happens due to overwhelm, so it isn't always a conscious choice.
E.g. giving the silent treatment, looking away, not responding.
Antidote: Self-soothing. Since this often happens due to overwhelm, taking a break to calm yourself can help — but make sure to return to the conversation.
E.g. "I'm feeling quite overwhelmed. I need 20 minutes to calm down, but I'll be back and we can continue then."
Learning to Listen to Each Other
During arguments, we often stop truly listening to our partners because we are too focused on getting our own point across. This doesn't come from ill intent; it usually comes from a need to not be misunderstood, or to explain our side. But when we miss what the other person is saying, we miss an opportunity to resolve the conflict smoothly and amicably.
What has proven to help during disagreements is making the other person feel understood. When a couple struggles with this, practising it in a structured way can make a real difference. How, you may ask? Enter the Gottman-Rapoport Method (Gottman, 2011).
This method asks that before you try to persuade your partner, you first try to understand them until they feel understood. The goal shifts from being right or winning the argument, to genuinely understanding each other.
Here's how it works: you both take turns being the speaker and the listener.
Rules for the speaker
- Don't use the 4 Horsemen.
- Focus on "I" statements, rather than "you" statements.
- Talk about your feelings.
- State a positive need (what you need them to do, e.g. "please put your clothes in the laundry hamper") rather than a negative need (what you need them to stop doing, e.g. "don’t leaving your clothes all over the house").
Rules for the listener
- Prepare to listen: set your agenda and views aside.
- Attune: listen for the needs and emotions your partner is expressing; ask open-ended questions.
- Don't use the 4 Horsemen.
- Summarise and reflect back what you heard. You can even take notes if that helps.
- Validate, empathise, and try to understand: you don't have to agree with your partner, but acknowledge the feelings you're witnessing. E.g. "I can understand how frustrating it must be when I leave my clothes all over the house."
- Finally, ask your partner if they feel understood, or if they’ve shared everything. If they say no, ask for clarity: "What did I miss?" or "I'm not sure I fully got that, can you explain it again? What's the need behind it?"
Once the speaker feels fully understood, switch roles so both partners get a chance to feel heard.
This method might feel a little technical or formal at first, but like any other skill, communication takes practice. The goal is to build empathetic and communicative habits that, over time, become second nature.
Turning Toward Bids for Connection
A bid for connection is an attempt by one partner to seek attention, reassurance, affection, or closeness (Gottman & Gottman, 2017). Bids can be small, like holding eye contact, a smile, sharing food, or bigger like a hug, a request for help, checking in about the relationship, or sharing about their day. Think of bids as the small ways one partner reaches out to the other.
For example, one partner offering a smile or holding eye contact might be their way of seeking reassurance: "Are they going to smile back? Are they noticing me right now? Are we okay?"
Sharing something about their day can be another bid - a way of inviting connection by letting the other person into their life and experience.
You may have recently come across a viral social media “challenge” where one partner tells the other that there is a really cool bird outside the window, to see how they respond. If the partner looks for the bird or responds enthusiastically, that’s a “good” reaction, and if they ignore you or look away, that’s a “bad” reaction.
Although reactions are not that simple to label good or bad, this trend does hit the mark when it comes to demonstrating the concept of bids for connection. When you share something with your partner, do they turn toward you, away from you, or against you?
Turning toward looks like positive engagement: "Oh cool, where is it?" / "What kind of bird is it?" / "I didn't know you liked birds!"
Turning away looks like ignoring the bid: silence / an absent and dull "Oh, cool."
Turning against looks like a negative or hostile response: "So what? It's just a bird," / "Can't you see I'm doing something important?" / eye-rolling.
Research shows that couples who regularly turn toward each other's bids have stronger relationships (Gottman & Gottman, 2022). This is not to say that if you or your partner sometimes turn away or against a bid, your relationship is in trouble. Rather, this research is an invitation to try when the next bid comes. Look at it this way: underneath every bid is a need for connection.
If you feel like you and your partner struggle to read each other's bids, try having an open conversation about it. Share what you each do when you're reaching out for connection, learn what those bids look like for one another, and practise turning toward them together.
In Conclusion
Relationships can be hard, especially when we haven't had many good models of them in our lives.
If you've recognised yourself in any of the patterns described above, that's okay. There's no shame in it. These are patterns most of us have picked up without even realising it, and awareness is always the first step. The point isn't to feel bad about where you are, it's to learn, and to slowly shift the way you respond. That shift, however small, can make a real difference over time.
Relationships aren't fixed things; they grow and change, and so can the people in them. Every small effort you make toward understanding your partner, and letting yourself be understood, is worth something.
If you'd like to understand more about your own patterns of communication, attachment, or other things that shape how you show up in relationships, individual therapy can be a great space to explore that. And if you're looking to explore your relationship together, couples therapy can be a wonderful start. At Rocket Health, we offer both, and will be happy to hold space for you and your partner.
References
Brittle, Z. (2026, May 14). Turn towards instead of away. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/turn-toward-instead-of-away/
Gottman, John. (2011). The Science of Trust: Emotional Attunement for couples. W.W. Norton.
Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). The natural principles of love. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 9(1), 7–26. https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12182
Gottman, Julie, & Gottman, J. (2022). The Love Prescription: Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy. Penguin Publishing Group.
